Koonagi's World

Personal Blog of Eric J. Kuhns

Sperm, Poop, and Other Stuff. Is It Safe to Add to Your Diet?

The questions in this article are ones no one asked about, but everyone secretly wants to know the answers to. Let's face it, there are a lot of diets out there and a lot of them don't even know the science behind what they're selling. That doesn't mean all diets are bad though and anytime you're trying to eat healthier is a good thing.

Having said that, the different "foods" I've listed and questioned in this article are bodily treats I laid awake thinking about last week. I wasn't planning on adding them to my diet per say, but WHAT IF? I'll do my best to break down the science of what would happen to your body if you were to add such items to your diet and give you my opinion on each. Let's dive in.

1. Sperm

 Photo Courtesy of Shady Grove Fertility

Photo Courtesy of Shady Grove Fertility

Besides your breathe always smelling like chlorine and tasting peroxide-like, (that's the word on the streets, y'all), sperm as a main ingredient in your diet plan probably wouldn't be the best idea. It wouldn't be HORRIBLE I suppose, but it definitely wouldn't be great to solely eat it in place of normal protein. First off, what happens when you swallow sperm? According to Columbia.edu:   

When sperm is ingested by swallowing semen, the sperm will be broken down and absorbed into the bloodstream as if consuming water, milk, or gelatin. If it’s semen (the liquid that carries the sperm from the penis) that a person is worried about, ingesting one’s own semen is safe if that person is free of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
— Columbia

Okay, cool, so it's safe, but what if I wanted to exclusively eat those little tadpoles and goo? What would happen? Luckily, for this article and the useless knowledge area of your brain, scientists figured out that a serving of sperm is about 5 calories, and since we normally need around 1600-2400 to function properly (give or take depending on gender, size, etc.) this would be a pretty difficult diet to maintain.

Let’s then assume the average man can ejaculate on average twice a day (and some days that’s being generous). Thus, you would need the man juices of 195 men every single day in order to intake just the calories.
— Nambot [Reddit]

2. Urine

 Photo courtesy of readers digest

Photo courtesy of readers digest

I mean, they drank their own pee on Jackass so it's all good right? Everyone says it's sterile. It heals jelly fish stings or something right? At least that's what my priest told me in his private chambers. 

I needed a real answer, so I traveled the magical internet waves. Turns out you should never drink your pee, and no, it's not sterile. Apparently, that's a myth created in the 1950's likely by an experiment conducted by Edward Kass, an epidemiologist at Harvard Medical. He began screening pre-op surgery patients for urinary tract infections and the samples that passed were marked "negative."

Wait, so, could it be introduced into a diet?

Each time you put it [pee] back it will come out again even more concentrated and that is not good for health as it could damage the gut. If you are stranded, your body will try to conserve as much water as it can. Drinking your urine would be like drinking seawater.
— Gizmodo

3. Feces

 Poop Demon from Dogma

Poop Demon from Dogma

I'm sure by now you're regretting reading this article, but if you're thinking about giving up now, take this advice from Michael Scott and...

 Photo courtesy of The Office

Photo courtesy of The Office

We all know poop is just a food's solid/smelly ghost, but what would happen if you ate it as a diet? We can already guess that it would smell bad and therefore probably taste worst. Is it healthy though? Not exactly, but it's surprisingly not too bad either.

A big difference between urine and poop is that urine is sterile while poop is, well, you know, smelly and full of bacteria.

That said, those are the same bacteria that live in your gut and play many healthy roles in your body, so coprophagy [Ed.: this means “eating poop,” write it down] is not necessarily unhealthy unless the poop originates from an unhealthy individual.
— Daniel Pomp, PhD, professor, UNC School of Global Public Health

Conclusion: Is it safe to eat? Maybe. Should you create a diet out of it? I'm not your mother. You do what you want! Rub it all over your body and house if you want!

4. Boogers

 Photo courtesy of The Simpsons

Photo courtesy of The Simpsons

There was always that one kid who ate boogers in school and that one guy or girl who kept eating them as an adult...but enough about me. Is it safe to eat your boogers and add it to your diet? My homie Scott Napper thinks so!

One of the more credible sounding proponents of the habit is Scott Napper, a professor of biochemistry who made waves around the world’s media outlets in 2013 when he half-heartedly proposed to a group of his students that eating one’s boogers allows our bodies to safely develop anti-bodies to the weakened pathogens present in our snot and noses. He also suggested that the reason boogers have a sugary taste is to entice children to eat them, thus helping bolster their immune systems…
— Scott Napper

I feel like I was just joking when I started this booger section and now I'm considering it as a pre-workout snack. However, it turns out that Scott was just trying to get students interested in science and experimenting. He hasn't actually done any research on his particular hypothesis.

So to sum up, at least to date, there is no scientific proof that ingesting snot by passing it through your mouth is beneficial. That said, it is plausible that the snot we do all ingest all the time is benefiting us in the way snot-eating proponents suggest. It’s just that we don’t need to put it into our mouths to see the benefit, if such a benefit does exist as hypothesized.
— Karl Smallwood

So, then...MAYBE it's good?

5. Toenail Clippings

 This came from a Pinterest post about toenail art. Just F.Y.I.

This came from a Pinterest post about toenail art. Just F.Y.I.

Last, but certainly not least, we come to toenails - the delicious night time snack we've all come to enjoy. Wait, just me? Is it safe to consume toenail clippings? My gut feeling is, OH HELL YEAH. They're basically just toe Doritos, right?

Eating your nails will not kill you, but it can wear down tooth enamel and cause damage to teeth. Also, the area under the fingernails is one of the dirtiest places on your body. Putting your hands in your mouth (without washing them first) is a way to get sick and biting your nails only makes things worse. Sharp nails you swallow could damage the epithelial lining of your esophagus and stomach (possibly causing infections).
— Health Network

You just have to worry about infections and getting sick. Nothing too crazy!

So, look, I don't know about you, but I think we've all come to the same conclusion after learning what will happen to our bodies if we eat these 5 items: 

 "Bring on the bodily treats."

"Bring on the bodily treats."